May begins with multiple rains across the US – OutKick

Report of the TNML auditor:

I pulled into the school pick-up line just before 3:30 p.m. Thursday and watched the retirees with the perfect yard pulverize the Deere driver after their championship performance and I was instantly jealous. The radar said it all on Thursday. If you weren’t mowing before 4 p.m., forget about it. You were wet.

And with that, I was officially hosed.

As you know at this time of year a rain is a kick in the nuts as it means I have no choice but to be mowed on Saturday – hopefully – then on Saturday. ‘m getting another one Monday, which sets me up for next Thursday when it’s going to be 84 and sunny.

The pensioner spraying the Deere. Got to sit behind 60 commuter vans and watch him cut some of the best turf in town / Credit: Joe Kinsey

Although the mowing isn’t going too well, it’s officially time to buy some flowers and that makes me happy because it means it’s time to spruce up the patio for those Margs and Busch Light nights. This week I bought a van full of flowers and we are going to pick up some more on Saturday. If I’m going to sit inside a house for eight months, I’m going to enjoy the hell of the summer months on that patio.

That means every day in May is critical as we get closer to Memorial Day. There are 50 projects and it’s May 6 and 55 and it’s raining outside.

But we’ll survive and enjoy those hot summer nights when I’m sitting here laughing at the thought of being a lawn mowing league commissioner and it all pays the bills.

What a life. I couldn’t have written it better.

• Andy in St. Louis writes:

We live in a typical housing estate with a typical housing estate yard. We always paid the neighbor’s various kids to mow, because that’s how I made money as a kid, and frankly, that’s our way of paying it to the next one. This year, the neighborhood kids cutting the grass are a bit younger. This has led to quality and reliability issues that are approaching unacceptability. We noticed a few neighbors went with lawn care companies this year instead of neighborhood kids. My question is, when is it okay to pull the plug with the new kids, and how much will I be perceived as pulling the plug?

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I think it’s perfectly fine to unplug the neighborhood kids if it’s not done on Thursday so the yard looks spectacular for the weekend. Hey kids, follow the program here. We mow on Thursday. If it is raining, this should be done immediately after school on Friday so as not to interfere with Friday night barbecues.

As for quality, kids should be able to lay down some basic scratching with a basic self-propelled mower.

Submit a photo so we can see what kind of performance these kids are performing. Let TNML decide the fate of these children and their cash cow operations.


• Louie in Savannah writes:

I’m writing to demonstrate one of the few acceptable reasons I missed league night…coaching my sons’ little league teams with my dad right next door in the dugout.

It goes with the theme of inspiration too, my dad has taught me so much over the years that there isn’t a single statement that stands out. He is the living embodiment of the American dream. Came here with his parents when he was a boy with little more than clothes on his back.

He enlisted at 17 and went to Vietnam. Worked his rear every day when he got back. That’s too much to detail in a short email. Either way, he’s now retired, driving a Beamer and sporting an Apple Watch. I always tease him and tell him he’s come a long way since taking baths outside as a little boy.

Now he likes to spoil his grandsons and continues to guide me on the right path.

I hope everyone had a good night, in bed for me. The AC unit in the attic regularly drips into the drain pan and will need some more TLC early tomorrow morning. I have a feeling I’m going to sell a kidney soon. Lol

PS My hat is twisted from the pen behind my ear and all of my in-game note taking is not a fashion statement.


I think that’s a nice way to end this week’s report. You are excused, Louie! As for that AC unit, good luck! I took a firm kick in the nuts this week with Bidenflation on the new AC systems.

Have a great Mother’s Day weekend and get these yards right before her big day.

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This week’s honorary starter:

TNML reports:

• Andy W. in western Nebraska writes:

Hi Joe, I could write 5000 words assisted by Coors Light. I’m going to attach some pictures now because I’m excited after mowing.

My bench is deep. Perfect weather for the 05 Briggs, A fast mow from Tbone which made its first start tonight. The aerator made a big mess. But I called it with some 26-0-02. It was a good mowing, my boys had the neighbors mowed and cut the line too. GBR!!!

• Dave from Rhode Island writes:

First official mowing of the season here in southern RI – the weather hasn’t been great. It was more like a spring training game, but we went and ran. As usual, the equipment started pretty much on the first try thanks to the wintering efforts last fall – another year of #Husqvarna and #Echo shouts… with the requisite #buschlatte, which never comes out of the season of course.

Looking forward to a great season, including major landscaping upgrades, stay tuned!

• Rodney C. in Houston writes:

In honor of TNML and Cinco de Mayo, I had to share the text I sent some college buddies tonight – we’re scattered across the country now, but still trying to stay in touch regularly… usually dreaming of having a beer together again like the good old days.

I don’t always drink Dos Equis, but when I do:
A) The yard is freshly mowed.
B) It is 95 degrees in May.
C) It’s Cinco de Mayo.
All the foregoing.

This is my first time emailing, but I’ve been reading screenshots regularly for the past 8 months. Love what you have created in this community. Keep doing what you are doing!

PS – Any thoughts on a TNML can koozie (maybe they’re a thing and I missed it)? I have to buy a hat once they are back in stock!

• Ryan S. in Northwest Ohio writes:

Freakin washing. Hopefully next week but still having an evening drink!!!

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